Scatter Joy

“There is no beautifier of complexion, or form, or behavior, like the wish to scatter joy and not pain around us.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Scattering Joy Around The Corner

There are many moments of joy, dancing through puddles after the rain.
Almost as many as dancing down the hallways where I work, catching smiles from many people.
I love to smile.
I love to laugh out loud...until my belly aches...until my face hurts from grinning so big.

Today, I found myself giggling throughout the day with others.
I work around a lot of people who are chronically ill, most of them old enough to be my parents and grandparents.  All of them loveable.  Isn't everyone?  I believe so.

At one point, I rounded a corner to find a loud smile and a jolly voice.
Yes, you read that right!  His smile was so big, I heard it before I rounded the corner.
It echoed through his words.  He heard my footsteps and bellowed, "There's my favorite lady.  You know I love you most."
Just as he got those words out, his head turned as he dared say the VERY.SAME.THING. to the next dame rounding the same corner.

I took this opportunity to give him a hard time, in good humor, of course.
I said to him, "Hey!  Wait a minute!  I thought I was your favorite!"

To which he replied, "Oh but you are.  But you know, Sweetie, if I don't tell all the ladies that, they will get their feelings hurt."

I responded, "I don't care what you say, as long as we both know I am your favorite."

He giggled and said, "You are.  You are.  There is nobody I love better than you."

This kind of humor is passed back and forth between him and almost everyone he meets.  He doesn't leave the guys out either.  They are his best men.  They always have his back.  He has favorites among them too.

This is his way of having a purpose.  This is his way of feeling included in our lives as much as he includes us in his.  This is his way of working his way into each of our hearts.

This is his way of scattering joy. 

Sunday, December 28, 2014

The Dance With Joy Begins

November 2013 greeted me with a life lesson there was no way to avoid.  I had successfully recovered from a Hysterectomy and decided I no longer needed the medicine I had been on for 8 years for depression and migraines.  My Primary care Physician began the process to help me wean off the drug.  While dropping one, she prescribed another to help with this process.  Within two weeks, I was in complete withdrawals and having a diverse reaction to the new med.  I was in a mental hell.  I had auditory hallucinations.  I could see where I was but couldn't complete a sentence.  I had to have help with all basic daily functions.  I was a mental wreck.  Within a month I was remembering things that happened to me when I was as young as 1 year old, maybe younger.

Many memories I have held onto from those early ages, but they were fragmented with feelings I couldn't name.  The things that were uncovered with this process, created the feeling that my brain was peeling back, layer after layer, until I came to the center of my soul.  All abuse, every single memory came rushing to the front and center of my mind.  From memories, not buried deep, to those I had completely forgotten or couldn't put into words, because they were so fragmented, I found myself, reliving my life. 

I learned there was no way to shut this out.  With the help of a trusted therapist, I began the journey to healing from the inside out.  There were days I sat in the chair of that office feeling about 3 years old, then other days, I was sure "this time", my journey was complete and I was as old mentally as I am biologically.  And out of no where, PTSD began.  I would go to sleep and have dreams that were so reality based, they were made of memories that I clearly remembered happening.  I sat and shook in the middle of the night, afraid to move, frightened into complete stillness.  Other nights, I would wake up, hyperventalating, needing the comfort of safety and home.  Those nights, my spouse would hold me and rock me until I was able to breathe mindfully and bring myself present.  It has taken a year for me to find my balance to the point I can reel myself in without the help of another, most days.  I still see my therapist.  I am forever grateful my spouse is so in love with me, she was committed to our relationship to hold on through this.

Today, about one year and one month later, I am approaching life, with a brand new lens.  I am unable to even find the rose colored glasses I had grown up wearing.  I do not sit and attempt to stomach the sight and sounds of abusive people, without speaking up.  I can spot a cult and BS within minutes and if there is a sexual predator within yards of me, I know it without having seen the person's face.  I do not tolerate religious ignorance and arrogance.  I thrive where there is unconditional love.  And I have dedicated my second chance at life to Dancing with Joy.  Not only will I dance, I will Scatter Joy where ever I go.