The Dance With Joy Begins

November 2013 greeted me with a life lesson there was no way to avoid.  I had successfully recovered from a Hysterectomy and decided I no longer needed the medicine I had been on for 8 years for depression and migraines.  My Primary care Physician began the process to help me wean off the drug.  While dropping one, she prescribed another to help with this process.  Within two weeks, I was in complete withdrawals and having a diverse reaction to the new med.  I was in a mental hell.  I had auditory hallucinations.  I could see where I was but couldn't complete a sentence.  I had to have help with all basic daily functions.  I was a mental wreck.  Within a month I was remembering things that happened to me when I was as young as 1 year old, maybe younger.

Many memories I have held onto from those early ages, but they were fragmented with feelings I couldn't name.  The things that were uncovered with this process, created the feeling that my brain was peeling back, layer after layer, until I came to the center of my soul.  All abuse, every single memory came rushing to the front and center of my mind.  From memories, not buried deep, to those I had completely forgotten or couldn't put into words, because they were so fragmented, I found myself, reliving my life. 

I learned there was no way to shut this out.  With the help of a trusted therapist, I began the journey to healing from the inside out.  There were days I sat in the chair of that office feeling about 3 years old, then other days, I was sure "this time", my journey was complete and I was as old mentally as I am biologically.  And out of no where, PTSD began.  I would go to sleep and have dreams that were so reality based, they were made of memories that I clearly remembered happening.  I sat and shook in the middle of the night, afraid to move, frightened into complete stillness.  Other nights, I would wake up, hyperventalating, needing the comfort of safety and home.  Those nights, my spouse would hold me and rock me until I was able to breathe mindfully and bring myself present.  It has taken a year for me to find my balance to the point I can reel myself in without the help of another, most days.  I still see my therapist.  I am forever grateful my spouse is so in love with me, she was committed to our relationship to hold on through this.

Today, about one year and one month later, I am approaching life, with a brand new lens.  I am unable to even find the rose colored glasses I had grown up wearing.  I do not sit and attempt to stomach the sight and sounds of abusive people, without speaking up.  I can spot a cult and BS within minutes and if there is a sexual predator within yards of me, I know it without having seen the person's face.  I do not tolerate religious ignorance and arrogance.  I thrive where there is unconditional love.  And I have dedicated my second chance at life to Dancing with Joy.  Not only will I dance, I will Scatter Joy where ever I go.